Anything worth doing is worth doing badly

Recently I realized that I “suffer” from perfectionism.  I always knew that I tended towards perfectionism.  I used to think it was a convenient weakness, one that you could use when asked about your weaknesses during employment interviews because it meant that you would work harder to get it done right.  After I got sick with depression I saw myself as a failed perfectionist, someone with high standards that could never achieve them.  This made me so sad and discouraged.

Perfectionism is more than the need to do something perfectly.  It involves:

• the fear of failure because maybe it proves that you are not good enough or defective
• the fear of making a mistake because then you aren’t a perfect performer
• the fear of doing something the wrong way because then it means you don’t know what the right way is and not knowing how to do something shows how incompetent you are

The underlying paradigm is that there is some greater authority that dictates right vs wrong, that there is a universal hierarchy that ascends to perfection, and that we are under constant scrutiny and judgement. For example:

• Avoiding telling your extended family about personal failures because then they will rank you amongst the other family members based on who is successful and who isn’t
• Experiencing performance anxiety because your boss keeps track of your productivity and you fear losing your job because of ineptitude
• Becoming a know it all because if you don’t know something or worse, say something erroneous, people will think you are stupid and that would be humiliating

Perfectionism is so insidious that it distorts your thinking, behaviour and it creates obsessions.  Encountering activities where there is no one right way to do something makes the perfectionist very uncomfortable because then how do you know what to do?  The perfectionist only does things the right way or the best way.  Taken to its extreme, the perfectionist will analyse and research all the possible variations to find one way with some edge.  Whether it be, faster, brighter, prettier, cheaper, tastier, most popular it doesn’t matter, as long as in their mind it is the better way, righter way.

While people are out there enjoying the fruits of life, the perfectionist puts off that enjoyment until they can find the best way to enjoy.  They obsessively research, plan, organize, count, measure, hunt and gather everything they need to achieve this perfection.  Finally, if you can’t do it perfectly, then why bother doing it at all becomes the attitude.

I noticed all these thinking and behaviour patterns tonight as I was attempting to  make a traditional dish.  My mom gave me her recipe 10 times but, first, she didn’t write it down so now I had to rely on memory, what if I forgot a step or get the wrong ingredient or get the proportions wrong?  Which leads me to the next problem with her recipe, she refuses to give me the amounts of the ingredients because according to my grandma, you are just supposed to go by taste.  Without clear guidelines how do I know if I’m getting the recipe right or the best taste?

I went online trying to find THE recipe, and to my dismay, there were so many variations how could I pick the best one?  Well, who has the most authority?  I looked for a website that maybe was the most official or widely recognized as an authority but I couldn’t find one.  I went online and asked my friends and family for their recipes because I thought that maybe their seal of approval might make me more comfortable with the recipe.  One gave me a link to some random website, while another told me to ask my mom or google it.  How come nobody understands that I need the best recipe I can get and that I’m having a hard time finding one?

I told my mom of what a hard time I was having and she was shocked at how difficult I was making this.  I explained my difficulties with the recipe she gave me, I blamed my brain for not grasping this orally handed down recipe so she had pity on me and finally wrote it down for me.  Still  no measurements but I guess it’s progress.   And I haven’t even gone into all the detail (drama) of which is the best order to do the steps in the recipe or now that I know the ingredients, how do you choose the best ingredients….  This is the story of my life, an insider’s view into my obsessive, difficult, not fun way of doing things.

 

Blogging

I read a really cool blog today and I became jealous.  It was so good!!

I stopped blogging for two years because I ran my blog through worditout.com.  Seeing how “I” was at the center of everything I wrote about triggered me.  

I hate self centered, self involved, narcissistic people.  So does this mean that I’m one of them?  I don’t want to be.  I do know that when someone is ill the person must focus all their energy into healing so that they can help others.  I go out of my way to help others as much as I can because I do not want to be one of those people I hate.

The people I’m thinking of are rapists and child molesters.  Deadbeat, absent fathers.  Unavailable boyfriends who can’t make a decision about you but they are quick on the draw on decisions that are for and about them.  People who objectify and use people for their own selfish pleasure.  People who think that children will hold them back in life, that they will get in the way of their happiness, keep them from fulfilling their dreams, take all their money away, and wreck their furniture.

Yes it does trigger me whenever I encounter anything that reminds me of all those people I just mentioned.  I’ve had to learn to distinguish between pathological narcissism and run of the mill selfishness that all people at one time or another exhibit.  The hardest of them all is when I see it in myself, it triggers this toxic shame that I’ve been unable to shake off.

I had to live with a relative during my grade 4 year and there I heard all these horrible stories about my family, stuff that no 9 year old should ever have to hear.  That is when I began to wonder if I had inherited their evil, and maybe that would explain why I was such a bad girl.  I thought that I had inherited goodness from one side of the family and evil from the other so that made me half good and half evil.  There is this movie that always got my attention when I visited the video store with my dad.  Of course we never rented it but I always would look at it because it clearly illustrated what I was imagining was happening inside of me.

Maybe I’m not self centered, maybe I just need to learn to write a better blog.  I can do that.  Then I will have to grapple with the remaining questions… what is it that I want to say?   Who says that what I have to say needs to be said?  I don’t want to verbally pollute. I want to promote compassion.  The etymological roots of the word compassion mean to suffer with (the one who suffers).  It means to step into their pain.  Most people don’t like to step into people’s pain, but I imagine that those who are willing to do so are already suffering themselves.  Which leads me to my second wish.  Promote solidarity.

My sincere wish is that I do not bore or depress with this blog but that I can always light a little candle to dispel the darkness. With enough little candles, maybe I can then brighten not only my day but other’s days.

Never mind walking a day in my shoes, try thinking a day in my head.

I’ve mentioned that I’m recovering from the long lasting effects of childhood trauma. My current diagnoses are recurrent major depressive disorder and PTSD.  I’ve been open about this with my very closest friends and family.  They know the extent of the series of traumas I’ve endured through out my life.  They know that my functioning is quite limited.  I haven’t been able to work for the past three years.  I spend most of the day at home, at doctor’s appointments, struggling to accomplish basic daily tasks like eating, sleeping, and self care.

 

Even though my friends and family love me and support me, they have doubts.  My mom thinks that therapy has brainwashed me, and that I’m fine.  A friend hates that I can’t get through the day without pills like an addict.  Another friend wonders why I can’t just leave the past in the past.  My brother is confused because he’s fine and we grew up in the same household.  Then there are those who also suffer from depression or PTSD – but they all can work.  They all say you just have to fight it in order to survive.  Some fight it with medication others with prayer, and others sheer willpower, healthy eating and exercise.  

 

My wish and goal is to be able to overcome the immense pressure I feel to be well, in order to impress my friends and family.  I have to admit that I feel ashamed because I can’t work, and I feel ashamed to even have a mental illness.  I hide from the people that know me but don’t know about my situation.  Enduring well intentioned but misguided comments is quite painful. 

 

Among my therapists and other survivors that don’t know me, I don’t feel that shame.  I have accepted my condition.  I am getting better.  Things are looking up. Trauma recovery just takes a long time.  I celebrate my successes daily.  I am grateful for the grace to accomplish the few things I can each day.  I work hard to formulate a plan of action so that I make daily progress.  I have nothing to be ashamed about.  Nothing to apologize for, except for when I do need to apologize of course.  And so healing cannot take place in isolation.  I can’t say that I’m getting better if I’m avoiding connecting with people.  

 

It is going to take courage to reach out to new people and find a life narrative that I’m comfortable with.  What do I say when they ask how I am?  What I have been up to?  What if I give too much information?  What if they really aren’t that interested, they are just being polite? What if they decide to inflict me with their ignorant comments about situations they don’t know about?  Meds don’t work, psychiatry is not real medicine, things aren’t as serious as I make them seem.  

 

I have a plan.  It involves communication, sharing of information, bearing injuries patiently, preserving the bonds of unity, forgiveness, tolerance, allowing time to process hurt feelings, being gentle with myself, letting go of anger and resentment, and moving forward.

 

 

Intro

Finally bought the earthing band my therapist recommended.  It is supposed level my cortisol levels and minimize inflammation.   Day 1, I was excited and energetic.  Slept with the band on my wrist.  Day 2 I was completely tired.  Apparently this is common because of detoxifying?  I don’t know.  It’s pretty common for me given that I have good days and bad days.

 

Today was my son’s last day of summer camp, urban planning.  He played SimCity and now he wants it.  I’m not sold on having him spend more time in front of a screen.  Then I took him to get a back to school haircut and he looks good now.  Came home and slept.  I was so tired.  At least I didn’t have a nightmare.

 

Only did 5500 steps.  Day 3 of wearing the fitbit band.  Day 1 I had no problem getting to the 10000 steps. Days 2 and 3 they went lower and lower.  I can’t always guarantee high activity.  I got sad yesterday that I didn’t do my 10,000 and this discouraged me for today and that is why I didn’t even bother trying.  Mind you I was pretty tired.

 

Food.  Blah…  couldn’t face the kitchen today so we got subway and then pizza hut for dinner.  What can I say?  Friday is the last day of the week.  This is a day that I’m usually tempted to just let everything go, and I shut down and I can’t really motivate myself to do anything.

 

I did push myself to sort my laundry so I’m prepared tomorrow for laundry day.

 

Not sure if you can tell, yes it is after 2 am, and I am tired, but my mood is blah.  As we can see, what came first, low motivation or lack of healthy habits.  Am I in a bad mood because I didn’t exercise or eat well, or did I not exercise nor eat well because I’m in a bad and tired mood?  How can I have two productive days followed up by a non productive day?

 

I’m trying to stop the vicious cycle I mentioned earlier tired, unhealthy habits, hence more tired, more unhealthy habits.  I interject with purposefully healthy choices, only to be exhausted by them, then back to the cycle.  I believe this is called inertia… lots of great articles on this if you Google depression inertia.

 

I have battled depression for 8 years now…  and in reality it really is the cha cha.. two good days, two bad days, one good day, 3 bad days… etc.  I’ve been attempting to gain momentum for 8 years.  I’m not giving up, I’m merely trying new things.  I don’t believe that all other attempts have failed, rather it took all previous efforts to get me here where I’m at today so I could finally try this.

 

 

Checking my expectations I believe that is a crucial aspect of perseverance.  Not too high expectations so as not to get discouraged, not too low so as not to give it a good shot.  Commitment is the next logical aspect.  This one is one I’ve always been afraid of.  If I commit, then when I fail I will feel ashamed.  If I don’t commit, how can I succeed?  Yes, fear of commitment has been sabotaging my efforts for a long time.  What is the fix?  Luckily I know the fix.  Only have spent the last few months in therapy tackling the ever present affect intolerance.

 

What is affect intolerance?  Well it is the mechanism that drives the avoidance symptoms of PTSD.  At least in me.  In a nutshell, it is the inability to tolerate emotions.  In this case, the emotion is shame.  If my brain gets a whiff of potential humiliation or shame, it will find crafty ways of avoiding said feeling.  Procrastination, forgetfulness, absentmindedness, confusion, lack of motivation, panic, paralysis.