Anything worth doing is worth doing badly

Recently I realized that I “suffer” from perfectionism.  I always knew that I tended towards perfectionism.  I used to think it was a convenient weakness, one that you could use when asked about your weaknesses during employment interviews because it meant that you would work harder to get it done right.  After I got sick with depression I saw myself as a failed perfectionist, someone with high standards that could never achieve them.  This made me so sad and discouraged.

Perfectionism is more than the need to do something perfectly.  It involves:

• the fear of failure because maybe it proves that you are not good enough or defective
• the fear of making a mistake because then you aren’t a perfect performer
• the fear of doing something the wrong way because then it means you don’t know what the right way is and not knowing how to do something shows how incompetent you are

The underlying paradigm is that there is some greater authority that dictates right vs wrong, that there is a universal hierarchy that ascends to perfection, and that we are under constant scrutiny and judgement. For example:

• Avoiding telling your extended family about personal failures because then they will rank you amongst the other family members based on who is successful and who isn’t
• Experiencing performance anxiety because your boss keeps track of your productivity and you fear losing your job because of ineptitude
• Becoming a know it all because if you don’t know something or worse, say something erroneous, people will think you are stupid and that would be humiliating

Perfectionism is so insidious that it distorts your thinking, behaviour and it creates obsessions.  Encountering activities where there is no one right way to do something makes the perfectionist very uncomfortable because then how do you know what to do?  The perfectionist only does things the right way or the best way.  Taken to its extreme, the perfectionist will analyse and research all the possible variations to find one way with some edge.  Whether it be, faster, brighter, prettier, cheaper, tastier, most popular it doesn’t matter, as long as in their mind it is the better way, righter way.

While people are out there enjoying the fruits of life, the perfectionist puts off that enjoyment until they can find the best way to enjoy.  They obsessively research, plan, organize, count, measure, hunt and gather everything they need to achieve this perfection.  Finally, if you can’t do it perfectly, then why bother doing it at all becomes the attitude.

I noticed all these thinking and behaviour patterns tonight as I was attempting to  make a traditional dish.  My mom gave me her recipe 10 times but, first, she didn’t write it down so now I had to rely on memory, what if I forgot a step or get the wrong ingredient or get the proportions wrong?  Which leads me to the next problem with her recipe, she refuses to give me the amounts of the ingredients because according to my grandma, you are just supposed to go by taste.  Without clear guidelines how do I know if I’m getting the recipe right or the best taste?

I went online trying to find THE recipe, and to my dismay, there were so many variations how could I pick the best one?  Well, who has the most authority?  I looked for a website that maybe was the most official or widely recognized as an authority but I couldn’t find one.  I went online and asked my friends and family for their recipes because I thought that maybe their seal of approval might make me more comfortable with the recipe.  One gave me a link to some random website, while another told me to ask my mom or google it.  How come nobody understands that I need the best recipe I can get and that I’m having a hard time finding one?

I told my mom of what a hard time I was having and she was shocked at how difficult I was making this.  I explained my difficulties with the recipe she gave me, I blamed my brain for not grasping this orally handed down recipe so she had pity on me and finally wrote it down for me.  Still  no measurements but I guess it’s progress.   And I haven’t even gone into all the detail (drama) of which is the best order to do the steps in the recipe or now that I know the ingredients, how do you choose the best ingredients….  This is the story of my life, an insider’s view into my obsessive, difficult, not fun way of doing things.

 

Blogging

I read a really cool blog today and I became jealous.  It was so good!!

I stopped blogging for two years because I ran my blog through worditout.com.  Seeing how “I” was at the center of everything I wrote about triggered me.  

I hate self centered, self involved, narcissistic people.  So does this mean that I’m one of them?  I don’t want to be.  I do know that when someone is ill the person must focus all their energy into healing so that they can help others.  I go out of my way to help others as much as I can because I do not want to be one of those people I hate.

The people I’m thinking of are rapists and child molesters.  Deadbeat, absent fathers.  Unavailable boyfriends who can’t make a decision about you but they are quick on the draw on decisions that are for and about them.  People who objectify and use people for their own selfish pleasure.  People who think that children will hold them back in life, that they will get in the way of their happiness, keep them from fulfilling their dreams, take all their money away, and wreck their furniture.

Yes it does trigger me whenever I encounter anything that reminds me of all those people I just mentioned.  I’ve had to learn to distinguish between pathological narcissism and run of the mill selfishness that all people at one time or another exhibit.  The hardest of them all is when I see it in myself, it triggers this toxic shame that I’ve been unable to shake off.

I had to live with a relative during my grade 4 year and there I heard all these horrible stories about my family, stuff that no 9 year old should ever have to hear.  That is when I began to wonder if I had inherited their evil, and maybe that would explain why I was such a bad girl.  I thought that I had inherited goodness from one side of the family and evil from the other so that made me half good and half evil.  There is this movie that always got my attention when I visited the video store with my dad.  Of course we never rented it but I always would look at it because it clearly illustrated what I was imagining was happening inside of me.

Maybe I’m not self centered, maybe I just need to learn to write a better blog.  I can do that.  Then I will have to grapple with the remaining questions… what is it that I want to say?   Who says that what I have to say needs to be said?  I don’t want to verbally pollute. I want to promote compassion.  The etymological roots of the word compassion mean to suffer with (the one who suffers).  It means to step into their pain.  Most people don’t like to step into people’s pain, but I imagine that those who are willing to do so are already suffering themselves.  Which leads me to my second wish.  Promote solidarity.

My sincere wish is that I do not bore or depress with this blog but that I can always light a little candle to dispel the darkness. With enough little candles, maybe I can then brighten not only my day but other’s days.

Girl-on-girl sexual abuse

This week I’ve been quite triggered about the sexual abuse scandal surrounding Lena Dunham and her younger sister.  In her book “Not that Kind of Girl” she writes:

“As she grew, I took to bribing her for her time and affection: one dollar in quarters if I could do her makeup like a ‘motorcycle chick.’ Three pieces of candy if I could kiss her on the lips for five seconds. Whatever she wanted to watch on TV if she would just ‘relax on me.’ Basically, anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl I was trying.”

“One day, as I sat in our driveway in Long Island playing with blocks and buckets, my curiosity got the best of me. Grace was sitting up, babbling and smiling, and I leaned down between her legs and carefully spread open her vagina. She didn’t resist, and when I saw what was inside I shrieked. My mother came running. ‘Mama, Mama! Grace has something in there!’ My mother didn’t bother asking why I had opened Grace’s vagina. This was within the spectrum of things that I did.”

“I shared a bed with my sister, Grace, until I was seventeen years old. She was afraid to sleep alone and would begin asking me around 5:00 P.M. every day whether she could sleep with me. I put on a big show of saying no, taking pleasure in watching her beg and sulk, but eventually I always relented. Her sticky, muscly little body thrashed beside me every night as I read Anne Sexton, watched reruns of SNL, sometimes even as I slipped my hand into my underwear to figure some stuff out.”

 

When the scandal broke out I developed my own opinion about what she described. Mostly I was alarmed and felt that her description of what happened was indicative of “possible” sexual abuse; where possible is defined as very likely.

First I had to get over the fact some initial articles focused on a right wing vs. left wing issue. Clearly sibling-on-sibling sexual abuse isn’t a partisan issue so I was annoyed that the matter wasn’t being taken with the seriousness it required and an attempt was made to dismiss it with partisan politics because the matter had been raised by a right-wing site vs. a left wing personality.

What really hit a nerve was the fact that other articles tried to minimize, deny and dismiss the entire confession before anyone i.e. experts could really take a closer look. Some of their tactics were eerily similar to what I have experienced personally as some tried to dismiss and minimize what happened to me as a child. The favorite excuse is that this was normal exploratory behavior between siblings regarding the episode at 7 and the other two episodes weren’t all that bad.

Many journalists went out of their way to defend this woman and all I could think of was that they were out there defending a possible child molester. Who in their right mind would do that? When it comes to teenage females abusing younger girls, as in my case I was molested by a female teenage relative, people don’t want to believe that they are bad or what they did was bad. Defending the offender is quite traumatizing for the victim. I was and continue to be hurt by defenders of the relative who molested me. So this news story hit that extremely painful and sore spot.

At first Lena defended herself, then she changed her tune apologizing for having been insensitive to victims. Her apology unfortunately isn’t enough because there isn’t any contrition or understanding how her behavior could have been harmful to her sister. Of course her sister defends Lena and reserves the right to her own personal narrative and experience of the situations. She herself doesn’t feel she was victimized. I see them both as unwilling to reflect on these experiences with a new adult understanding of what appropriate boundaries are. And so until they do this work, they could not see the negative effects that could possibly exist.

As a victim it really hurts that once again society is showing this tone deafness to the pain and suffering caused by childhood sexual abuse. I feel like there is only one correct first response when stories like this hit the news. Serious and close investigation must be made. NOT knee-jerk defend and protect the offender. The next step to handling stories like this is to go back to the issues. I saw three issues that needed to be examined closely: grooming, manipulation, and exploitation. When a story hits the news questions need to be raised. Proper journalism needs to happen, not apologizing and pontificating.

I had questions like how old was Lena when she started bribing her sister for kisses on the lips? What did she mean by wanting her sister to “relax” on her? Why did she put relax in quotation marks? What was the dynamic between the masturbation and her sister’s presence? Was it more pleasurable or thrilling when she was there? Or was it something that she did in spite of her sister being there. When she was 7 and she could no longer hold her curiosity, did she feel like she was doing a bad thing? Did she think of asking her mom for permission to look or to ask questions if she was so curious?

One simply cannot arrive to a conclusion without asking questions and finding some answers. Eventually some journalists did enlist some “experts” to offer their opinions on the matter. What I found was certainly enlightening. Different experts seemed to have different audiences for their responses. Some were wanting to reassure parents of what normal behavior is and not freak them out. Others were trying to get healthy adults to not feel ashamed about their own normal childhood sexual exploration. Others were offering parenting advice on what to do in cases such as this where the parent needs to step in and offer some sort of correction and guidance to what they thought might be inappropriate behaviors. But to my dismay there has not been one voice that has taken this opportunity to educate the general public of how actual sibling on sibling abuse actually happens. Nobody has explained what exploitative behavior is, namely that it isn’t just sexual and that it can have other motivations. Nobody has even put pen to paper about what grooming is like and how the grooming itself can leave harmful effects on an adult survivor.

In other words, even the experts didn’t have the needs of survivors in mind. I, we, need to have honest and real discussions about what constitutes abuse, and what the harmful long-term effects are. Discussions that go beyond the cut and paste information already found on websites and informational brochures. If you do a search on grooming, most sites offer information about on-line grooming, or grooming done by adults but there really isn’t much information on how siblings can groom their victims. They already have the trust of the parents and access to the child. They are not even a source of suspicion when they are young i.e. 12 or 14, and even less if it is a female.

Going back to the original question, did Lena Dunham abuse her little sister? Simply put, there is not enough information to say that she didn’t, and there are some serious red flags indicating that she did.

Getting over disappointment

I forced myself to get out of the house and now I feel like crying.  My original plan was to take my son’s bike to get fixed so we could go for rides together.  I couldn’t get out of bed till 3 and only because I forced myself.  Then I forced myself to get in the shower.  I’m a fan of being clean but not the actual getting clean.  My childhood abuse occurred in a bathroom and it is no wonder I avoid it with all I got.

 

By the time I was ready to go out my son protested. He was in the middle of a movie and he wanted to finish it.  I needed the down time since forcing myself to do things drains me.  So we watched the movie and then the clock turned to 6pm.  Bike shop was closed. I made plans to go out for dinner with my boyfriend my son didn’t want to come with us so we went for a short walk to get him some dinner and he went back home.  

 

Dealing with disappointment is a normal part of life.   I’m disappointed my day didn’t go as planned.  I’m sad that I don’t have enough money to go to a restaurant where all three of us would be happy.  I’m sad that the majority of my day was wasted.  Most of all I’m upset because I can’t think.  I know there are things I can do to make myself feel better.  I’ve been taught coping skills for situations such as this.  What are they now?

WHEE –  Wholistic Hybrid derived from EMDR and EFT

Basically you do the butterfly hug and repeat an affirmation, i.e. “even though I feel guilty for wasting my day I can still love and accept myself and I know that God loves me and accepts me unconditionally”.  The butterfly hug offers bilateral stimulation a la EMDR and the tapping combined with the affirmation is meant to soothe and ease emotional and physical pain.  You begin by noticing where you feel your pain rate it from 0 to 10, and then begin.  Repeat until you feel the pain reduce to 0 or close to it.  My adaptation is to do it while I’m walking noticing on each step I take.  Walking is bilaterally stimulating.  

Deep Breathing

You can do different deep breathing exercises.  One is the 6 – 6 – 12.  Take 6 deep breaths then breath normally for one minute, take another 6 deep breaths followed by another minute of regular breathing, and finally take 12 deep belly breaths and follow it up by a minute of regular breathing.  Repeat.  Doing this exercise for 20 minutes is supposed to return you to homeostasis (physical and emotional balance)  

 

Thought Stopping

From CBT (cognitive behavioral  therapy) You are supposed to be mindful of the negative thoughts that are provoking the painful emotions.  Then challenge them to stop them.  So in my case, thinking that I failed and wasted my day is making me feel guilty and sad.  I can then challenge that thought by saying that I did the best I could and thankfully tomorrow will be a new day where I can try again.  All is not lost, I can get through this. 

 

Radical Acceptance

From DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)  This one is very difficult for a lot of people.  And it sounds difficult and counter productive.  I have to accept that everything is as it should be.  If I have a mental disorder that debilitates me for much of the time, then it is very foreseeable that I will have good and bad days.  This one wasn’t a great day, and that is OK.  One relative I have sees this kind of thinking as accepting failure, living with the bare minimum, instead of reaching for excellence or accepting mediocrity as if it was a good thing.  It is, after all, called “radical’ acceptance.  It only accepts what is, but doesn’t reflect on what should or could be… only what is.  Reality is that today wasn’t productive, whether you qualify it as good, bad, or a crappy way of living… it still is what it is and it is ok because no amount of crying over it will change the fact that today was a crappy day… it is about getting past difficulties and moving forward.  Ill feelings about the past keep us from moving forward.

 

Distraction

Also from DBT, it reminds me of a little child who is crying because their ice cream fell on the floor and then you say to them, “oh look, a shiny loud toy” and then they run off laughing tears not even dry.  You just have to find what shiny loud toy works for you.  Eating works!!  And that is what I did lol  I had yummy nachos with my boyfriend.  I had to stop thinking about how miserable I felt and attempt to not be terrible company.  

 

Ultimately I focus on how to fill up my day till it is night and then it is over.  

Sunday Mass

Sunday means I get to go to mass.  This is the third time I’ve gone since Easter.  Turns out that regular mass attendance has suffered because of my condition.  And not just my attendance but my prayer life has suffered as well.  I’m experiencing a period of spiritual aridity.  In fact a long period.  Four years ago I experienced a significant trauma that finally made me face all previously repressed trauma.  I had been great at denial and minimizing until it just didn’t make sense to do so anymore.  So that is why I have delayed onset developmental PTSD.  

 

When everything came to light I turned to my faith and the Church for refuge.  I realized that they didn’t offer much in support to people with mental illnesses or traumatic issues.  They had ministries for homelessness and poverty, post abortion healing, hospital and prison visits, addictions and half way houses, but nothing for the mentally ill.  The closest I found was domestic abuse services but the ministry is so limited they couldn’t help.  I called the archdiocese to see if they knew of a priest with relevant experience and they didn’t.  My immediate reaction was one of abandonment.  I looked on the Internet, maybe there were some sermons that could help, maybe there might be some TV program I could download.  Turns out all the programs were about abortion or other illnesses, but nothing that really spoke to the misery I was experiencing.  I emailed and finally I did find a resource that was exactly what I was looking for.  I attended a healing retreat offered by the same group who founded the Rachel’s Vineyard post abortion healing program.  It is called Grief to Grace.  

 

Eventually I accepted that it wasn’t just the Church who wasn’t prepared to deal with my traumas.  Turns out the rest of the world wasn’t really ready either.  The only help you can find out there is spearheaded by survivors helping other survivors.  Every single gain we have made in terms of public policy and health care related to this has been a herculean struggle.  I became angry, furiously, murderously angry.  I was looking for someone to blame.  I did find a way to blame the Church, for their role in shaping our society’s attitudes towards sexuality.  It is abundantly clear that it has helped as much as it has hindered human sexual development.  To be fair, the Church is an earthen vessel holding the divine.  It means it is imperfect and yet through its imperfections and weaknesses God still flows his Grace to the world.  

 

Thank God that there was ONE single man in the Roman Catholic Church that “got it”.  Through his words I was able to forgive the Church and hold on to my faith.  

 

LETTER OF JOHN PAUL II TO WOMEN

 

I greet you all most cordially, women throughout the world!

Thank you, women who are mothers!
Thank you, women who are wives!
Thank you, women who are daughters and women who are sisters!
Thank you, women who work!
Thank you, consecrated women!
Thank you, every woman, for the simple fact of being a woman!

             …

I know of course that simply saying thank you is not enough. Unfortunately, we are heirs to a history which has conditioned us to a remarkable extent. In every time and place, this conditioning has been an obstacle to the progress of women. Women’s dignity has often been unacknowledged and their prerogatives misrepresented; they have often been relegated to the margins of society and even reduced to servitude. This has prevented women from truly being themselves and it has resulted in a spiritual impoverishment of humanity. Certainly it is no easy task to assign the blame for this, considering the many kinds of cultural conditioning which down the centuries have shaped ways of thinking and acting. And if objective blame, especially in particular historical contexts, has belonged to not just a few members of the Church, for this I am truly sorry. May this regret be transformed, on the part of the whole Church, into a renewed commitment of fidelity to the Gospel vision.

           …

Then too, when we look at one of the most sensitive aspects of the situation of women in the world, how can we not mention the long and degrading history, albeit often an “underground” history, of violence against women in the area of sexuality? At the threshold of the Third Millennium we cannot remain indifferent and resigned before this phenomenon. The time has come to condemn vigorously the types of sexual violence which frequently have women for their object and to pass laws which effectively defend them from such violence.

           http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_let_29061995_women_en.html

 

Persevering in my faith, I continued on being unable to pray.  There was only one thing on my mind and I could not come to God in prayer about it.  I sort of tiptoed around it with him.  As if He didn’t know!!  But I had never admitted to Him in prayer that I finally knew.  When I finally did get the courage to pray about it, I had only one question.  

Where were you while this was happening to me?  

I called out to you… where were you?????

And then I had an image in my mind of the Virgin being there crying just like she must have been at the crucifixion.  Immobilized by her faith, wanting to rush out to her child but holding still allowing what had to happen to happen.    There was an angel there too.  And the angel was with me apparently covering my eyes so I didn’t have to see.  That was God’s mercy in that moment.  A guardian angel helping me survive the moment.  

 

We have arrived to the question that is always on everyone’s mind when evil makes its mark in the world.  

 

Was it God’s will?  

No, never.  

 

But if it wasn’t then how could he let it happen?  Simple answer is so that greater good could come from it.  Or looking at it from the other side of it, what did he do to save me from it?  Jesus died on the Cross, so that through his sacrifice I could be saved from the evil inflicted on me.  To heal me from the wound of others sin against me.  For the moment I accepted that.  My faith had not taken as much of a beating as it would over the next several years.

Never mind walking a day in my shoes, try thinking a day in my head.

I’ve mentioned that I’m recovering from the long lasting effects of childhood trauma. My current diagnoses are recurrent major depressive disorder and PTSD.  I’ve been open about this with my very closest friends and family.  They know the extent of the series of traumas I’ve endured through out my life.  They know that my functioning is quite limited.  I haven’t been able to work for the past three years.  I spend most of the day at home, at doctor’s appointments, struggling to accomplish basic daily tasks like eating, sleeping, and self care.

 

Even though my friends and family love me and support me, they have doubts.  My mom thinks that therapy has brainwashed me, and that I’m fine.  A friend hates that I can’t get through the day without pills like an addict.  Another friend wonders why I can’t just leave the past in the past.  My brother is confused because he’s fine and we grew up in the same household.  Then there are those who also suffer from depression or PTSD – but they all can work.  They all say you just have to fight it in order to survive.  Some fight it with medication others with prayer, and others sheer willpower, healthy eating and exercise.  

 

My wish and goal is to be able to overcome the immense pressure I feel to be well, in order to impress my friends and family.  I have to admit that I feel ashamed because I can’t work, and I feel ashamed to even have a mental illness.  I hide from the people that know me but don’t know about my situation.  Enduring well intentioned but misguided comments is quite painful. 

 

Among my therapists and other survivors that don’t know me, I don’t feel that shame.  I have accepted my condition.  I am getting better.  Things are looking up. Trauma recovery just takes a long time.  I celebrate my successes daily.  I am grateful for the grace to accomplish the few things I can each day.  I work hard to formulate a plan of action so that I make daily progress.  I have nothing to be ashamed about.  Nothing to apologize for, except for when I do need to apologize of course.  And so healing cannot take place in isolation.  I can’t say that I’m getting better if I’m avoiding connecting with people.  

 

It is going to take courage to reach out to new people and find a life narrative that I’m comfortable with.  What do I say when they ask how I am?  What I have been up to?  What if I give too much information?  What if they really aren’t that interested, they are just being polite? What if they decide to inflict me with their ignorant comments about situations they don’t know about?  Meds don’t work, psychiatry is not real medicine, things aren’t as serious as I make them seem.  

 

I have a plan.  It involves communication, sharing of information, bearing injuries patiently, preserving the bonds of unity, forgiveness, tolerance, allowing time to process hurt feelings, being gentle with myself, letting go of anger and resentment, and moving forward.

 

 

Intro

Finally bought the earthing band my therapist recommended.  It is supposed level my cortisol levels and minimize inflammation.   Day 1, I was excited and energetic.  Slept with the band on my wrist.  Day 2 I was completely tired.  Apparently this is common because of detoxifying?  I don’t know.  It’s pretty common for me given that I have good days and bad days.

 

Today was my son’s last day of summer camp, urban planning.  He played SimCity and now he wants it.  I’m not sold on having him spend more time in front of a screen.  Then I took him to get a back to school haircut and he looks good now.  Came home and slept.  I was so tired.  At least I didn’t have a nightmare.

 

Only did 5500 steps.  Day 3 of wearing the fitbit band.  Day 1 I had no problem getting to the 10000 steps. Days 2 and 3 they went lower and lower.  I can’t always guarantee high activity.  I got sad yesterday that I didn’t do my 10,000 and this discouraged me for today and that is why I didn’t even bother trying.  Mind you I was pretty tired.

 

Food.  Blah…  couldn’t face the kitchen today so we got subway and then pizza hut for dinner.  What can I say?  Friday is the last day of the week.  This is a day that I’m usually tempted to just let everything go, and I shut down and I can’t really motivate myself to do anything.

 

I did push myself to sort my laundry so I’m prepared tomorrow for laundry day.

 

Not sure if you can tell, yes it is after 2 am, and I am tired, but my mood is blah.  As we can see, what came first, low motivation or lack of healthy habits.  Am I in a bad mood because I didn’t exercise or eat well, or did I not exercise nor eat well because I’m in a bad and tired mood?  How can I have two productive days followed up by a non productive day?

 

I’m trying to stop the vicious cycle I mentioned earlier tired, unhealthy habits, hence more tired, more unhealthy habits.  I interject with purposefully healthy choices, only to be exhausted by them, then back to the cycle.  I believe this is called inertia… lots of great articles on this if you Google depression inertia.

 

I have battled depression for 8 years now…  and in reality it really is the cha cha.. two good days, two bad days, one good day, 3 bad days… etc.  I’ve been attempting to gain momentum for 8 years.  I’m not giving up, I’m merely trying new things.  I don’t believe that all other attempts have failed, rather it took all previous efforts to get me here where I’m at today so I could finally try this.

 

 

Checking my expectations I believe that is a crucial aspect of perseverance.  Not too high expectations so as not to get discouraged, not too low so as not to give it a good shot.  Commitment is the next logical aspect.  This one is one I’ve always been afraid of.  If I commit, then when I fail I will feel ashamed.  If I don’t commit, how can I succeed?  Yes, fear of commitment has been sabotaging my efforts for a long time.  What is the fix?  Luckily I know the fix.  Only have spent the last few months in therapy tackling the ever present affect intolerance.

 

What is affect intolerance?  Well it is the mechanism that drives the avoidance symptoms of PTSD.  At least in me.  In a nutshell, it is the inability to tolerate emotions.  In this case, the emotion is shame.  If my brain gets a whiff of potential humiliation or shame, it will find crafty ways of avoiding said feeling.  Procrastination, forgetfulness, absentmindedness, confusion, lack of motivation, panic, paralysis.